Thursday, August 20, 2009

My babies

I was just sitting on the couch with Colin, tickling him, when I looked at him and thought, what happened? He got so big so fast. And Trevor. Dave tried to pick him up the other day and said how heavy he was. He's getting so tall, losing teeth, and he has a lunch box now. They used to be so little, so cute and cuddly. Colin will be in preschool this year and all summer I've been saying how nice it will be to have a few hours each week where it will just be Logan and me. I'll be able to go grocery shopping with just one child again. But then sometimes I think of how I'd look out the window to see if Trevor was home from kindergarten yet and how long a day 1st grade will be for not just me but him. It's not like I'm sending him off to college but it seems like that sometimes. I don't know if I should be happy about them growing up, going off to school, or be sad about it. I'm sure they will be times I'll love the time I get when they're gone, but I think I'll miss them too. People are right, it really does go by so fast. I can already see next year coming up before I can blink - Trevor keeps asking when Christmas is....4 months is not that far away. But I sit here and wonder, "Have I enjoyed it?" I look back and I know I enjoyed Trevor as a baby since he was the first, but with Colin we were so busy it seems like his days as a baby and toddler are a big blur for me. I'll look at him now and think "What were you even like as a baby." I forget because I think I didn't take the time to just sit and watch him like I did with Trevor. And Logan - he's been easy to enjoy. It's been easy to take it slow with him, savor the little things and lock them away in my memory so that when he is older I can pull things out. I told Colin one day, "I didn't hold you enough when you were a baby." I'm glad he lets me hold him now, I'm glad he's still small and he still fits in my arms, that he will cuddle next to me and say, "Hold me Mom." And now, thinking about it all I get teary-eyed. No, I'm not baby hungry, I'm not wanting another baby, but I think I just miss my babies. I think sometimes I wanted so much for them to get older, I wanted to get on to the next stage to see what they would do that I forgot to stop and see what they were doing right then. Dave and I will say that every now and then when we're frustrated, "Ooo, I can't wait until he's older." But I wonder, if when they are all older we'll sit back and think, "Oh, I wish they little again."


Jess said...

I understand the feeling. I got a little teary sending Luke off today into the real world. It is amazing how fast it goes by and I often ask myself the same question you do, "have I enjoyed it?" How did Trevor's first long day go?

Erika said...

I totally understand the blur of the second child. Sometimes I'll tell Katie something that she did as a baby and Leah will ask what she did. I pause and search for something to tell her. I can remember so little. It is so hard to want them to grow up and at the same time want to bottle them up right now and keep them that way.

Marylin said...

I feel you girl! I am always telling my kids that they were supposed to stay little! Lexi was so cute when she was little, her voice, her wild hair, oh it makes me miss it just typing about it! I guess since there has been some space between my kids I do feel like I have been able to spend some good time enjoying them while they were babies but it's never enough in my opinion!! :) It has been good talking to you lately!! :)